Everyone should have a Ph.D. Seriously. Everyone. Your plumber ought to have a Ph.D. Your hairstylist should. Your weird friend who’s obsessed with 70s Scooby-Doo cartoons? They absolutely should. Look, the whole point of a Ph.D. is to show that you have contributed meaningful insight or research to the vault of human knowledge.
Ergo, every one you know, every single motherfucker out there has some unique insight available to them and to them only. We call it being human. So, based on those two thoughts, it’s not unreasonable to suggest that everybody - you, me, Joe the Plumber1, Jenni the hairstylist, and Scooby-Doo-obsessed Timmy - should all have Ph.D.s. And I’m dead fucking serious about this: we should all be the doctor contributing our own insights to the greater whole of the human experience.
And, let me be absolutely clear2: that we are not doctors and that we are not given the time and leeway to do our research and thereby contribute “meaningfully” is a travesty of time, money, gatekeeping, and plain old elitism. Let’s get into it.

Doctor is an old word but in rare contrast to most really old words, which have semantically broadened more than your mama’s ass, it’s kept a pretty singular meaning albeit with a few related terms. Doctor, in short, means teacher. It literally comes from the Latin verb to teach, docere. In the late 14th century it morphed from plain old teacher to teacher who knows everything about a subject, a.k.a, an expert.
It’s also worth noting that, as with most old, Latin things, doctor began as an ecclesiastical term before becoming more secular and being applied to medical practitioners, learned lecturers, and athletes who donate lots of money to greedy institutions more corporate than academic3. Looking at you Oxford. (Sorry, Dr. Hawking4.)
To be clear, what I’m saying is that earning a Ph.D. should be hard because the research is hard, not because of bureaucratic hoop jumping. So when I’m out here saying that everyone ought to have their Ph.D. what I really mean is that everyone has the capacity for a Ph.D. and, as a mostly-civilized society, we owe it to each other to provide the space and time to achieve what we can free of artificial constraints.
So, let’s get back to Plumber Joe. Is it possible that a plumber who has been working in the field for a few years has encountered problems that have yet to be written up in a journal or otherwise rigorously fact-checked publication? Yes. Is it also possible that Joe has the necessary expertise and insight to tackle the problem in a unique and meaningful way that would benefit the world should it be written up in a reputable magazine? Fuck, yes. The question then, is, why aren’t plumbers (and hairstylists and Scooby-Doo obsessives) writing up their findings for the benefit of all humanity?
The short answer is access. College is, in theory, at least partly about teaching you how to research, create, support, defend, and critically re-evaluate a thesis. By learning these steps in undergraduate classes, you are then able to apply it across the broad spectrum of a specialty. Showing your ability to do so earns you a Master’s degree. Then, having learned and applied yourself, you find a gap in your field’s knowledge and wield your tools acutely and precisely in an attempt to fill that gap with new knowledge. When you have done this, you are awarded your Ph.D. and the title of doctor*.
But here’s the problem. I know a lot of people with Master’s level degrees for whom the idea of continuing on with a Ph.D. just isn’t worth the professional headache. And this is important so I want to make this very clear: these people I know, myself among them, like doing the research. They enjoy doing the research. They do it well and conscientiously. But what they do not want to deal with is finding the funding, dealing with the review board, and, in general, fighting with the very institutions that should be awarding the degree for the right to earn the degree in the first place.
(To clarify that last point: here in Japan, many part-time employees are not allowed to use the resources of the universities they work for, nor are they allowed to publish in the university’s journals. In short, they are not allowed to use the very tools they are teaching the students to use.)
So, bluntly: access and funding are gatekeeping at the professional level; in a democratized society neither should exist.
What should exist, however, is the basic respect anyone who has put in the time to better themselves. Fortunately, unlike teacher, doctor is still a term of respect. Especially in the medical fields. It’s only when we shift away from medicine to more esoteric fields that the term doctor itself comes under fire, mostly from people who don’t have Ph.D.s.
In recent memory, Dr. Jill Biden, former first lady and wife of former president Joe Biden, was criticized for using Doctor as a title when she is not a medical doctor. It was seen as somehow acting or attempting to elevate herself to the level of “a real doctor.” This is problematic for a number of reasons. Aside from the rote sexism and classism inherent in the issue, it’s a problem because doctor is a term of art. It denotes someone who has put in the time and work to, say it with me now, contribute to the greater whole of human knowledge.
Besides, doctor is a perfect gender-neutral title. For everyone worried about pronouns and who insists that Ms. has taken polite titles to their logical extreme, let me propose this: the title doctor just shows that one has engaged in learning. It’s both respected and respectful, and it doesn’t change based on the perceived gender of the person wielding it. As I said, perfect.
But, hey, what do I know? Maybe not everyone needs a Ph.D. But everyone has a unique insight worthy of recognition and respect. And if Joe the Plumber wants to share his insights he should be afforded the time and opportunity to do so, whether through an advanced dissertation or otherwise. After all, every last one of us is nothing more than a doctorfucking human being trying to make their mark on the world. Let them. Let yourself.
Stay curious,
Joel
To use a completely made up and not at all politically charged rhetorical device.
To be absolutely crystal clear, none of this is to denigrate anyone who earns their Ph.D. Here at Learned we mock the institutions but not the people. If you can't understand the difference you probably vote Republican.
I’d talk more about what absolute bullshit the honorary doctorate is, but my doctor says it does bad things to my blood pressure. Heh.
This is what I mean: Stephen Hawking was granted an honorary doctorate from Oxford. He needed something to look nice next to his actual Ph.D. doctorate from Cambridge, I guess.